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[22 Oct 2009|07:30pm] |
first day of working for free. The place is a small solar panel company and they had me do some silly work all day. I left matt's place still drunk, there wasnt any parking in their lot so i went to a parking garage. 26 bucks for 4 hours. laaaaame, im riding my bike to work tomorrow. The place is real laid back and i think im going to get along just fine there. There aren't any windows and it totally felt like i was trapped in an office punching a 9-5 but it wasnt that scary. The mainly scary part was whether or not i was going to run to the bathroom and try and hide the fact that im vomiting my brains out.
To new beginnings and better decisions, cheers!
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[30 Jun 2009|07:39pm] |
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[28 May 2009|03:01pm] |
In tallahassee i know which direction i want to head for a career but and when i leave i keep getting reminded of why i want free from a lot of things. Then after a while i realize how i really had it best in tallahassee. Without the friends here i dont know where i would be. The madness here is the best kind.
After graduating i wanted to move so badly but realized i was too scared to start my life over with new people. I moved several times growing up and because my family had to stick together I couldn't see much beyond that. I never wanted to let go of my family, i just wanted them to let go of me.
I have tried to let go of everything to fear. stopped being afraid of dying. stopped being afraid of other people thinking less of me. stopped being afraid of the people i hold close letting me go. then the other day i had to let go of a very strong fear which is in every animal. the fear of being left alone forever. of being stuck inside yourself and not knowing how to express it to the world. that's how madness gets you. thinking you're alone and not seeing the other people around who have woken up. it can be very difficult holding it together. loneliness can be an escape. but i think we can all agree that being around others who make you happy is really the best feeling.
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| the rains |
[29 Mar 2009|01:34pm] |
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yesterday while it was still pouring rain all day me, codee, and liz took the battle ship boat from the living room and floated it down this mini river that formed on the edge of the street. It was so great feeling like a little kid again chasing it down the street with them. It came to this big lake and spun around a bit then i took it down this concrete ditch between houses, i guess it channels the water to a retention pond or a big lake or something. Anyways, I put the boat in this fast flowing channel and chased it barefoot. It went between these houses but i didn't care and kept chasing it. I had to stop when it was about to go through this tunnel because i couldn't jump the fence but really i was scared to see where it went because I was already far from home and just picked up the boat and ran back home.
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[16 Jun 2008|02:39pm] |
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Im about to go to boston to have my summer break from tallahassee and im excited and nervous and regretful all at the same time. When i get back its time to put on my big boy pants and start to get the rest of my life together so fuck you world im a part of you now. When i sleep ill be dreaming of long car rides of roaming and exploring. Its time for me to do some exploring.
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[10 Jun 2008|08:12am] |
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wakey wakey, i cant get back to sleep, this has been one hell of a binge
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[22 May 2008|01:58pm] |
Well this is where im at
I have to try and talk with my teacher about raising my grade so that i can be an official mechanical engineer with a degree and all.
Im trying to re-evaluate what is really important in life and i know its not getting a fucking job and working for the rest of my life so that i can have a nice place and a nice car and a projection blue ray tv with bose surround speakers so that a movie will sound just right. All of that doesnt sound so appealing to me right now. What does sound appealing is meeting new people and sharing stories. Traveling around and getting back to the basics of life that make a person real. I dont want my reality to turn me into what is on tv, i want it to be beautiful, not hollow. I want to be around people who care more about each other rather than where the party is or who they are going to fuck next. I know i sound preachy and like im on top of a high horse but i dont care, im starting to see what living really is and mama i wanna live.
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| holy shit |
[17 Apr 2008|12:29am] |
mech warriors anyone, or to people who dont know that, fucking robotic exoskeletons which dont weigh you down and help you lift heavy objects and take the stress of lifting weights off of the human body, holy fuck!
Humans will kill everyone
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| the fest continued |
[29 Oct 2007|03:08pm] |
so after my pizza almost got stolen i couldnt get into common grounds because it was way at capacity so i bought beer with toolie and the same shit that happened last fest happened again. my fucking quart of old e fell and broke on the ground. Im cursed.
So more drinking then went back to the parking lot to hang and drink some more and i ran into max and fobert who told me about a party with tons of crusties at it so off we went. at the party it was alright, had some good conversations with traveling kids then someone mentioned toolie and a couple traveling girls there said wheres toolie bring him here now. so we went and got him and they were eating him up with a spoon.
I was laying on the ground there and i was smoking a cigarette and tried to throw it behind me but it bounced back and landed on my neck leaving two nice burns on it. needless to say i jumped up to try and get it off but it fell inside my shirt and i was thinking to myself, "hm, i think i just lost a lit cigarette inside of my shirt but its not hurting so maybe its not there" but sure enough seconds later i found it due to the searing pain. i got to sleep in a bed saturday night and it was nice.
on sunday we were hanging out in the same parking lot just drinking and shooting the shit when i realized that capsule was about to play and i convinced brad peel to come with me and we made it inside the venue just before they went on. I paid 10 dollars to just see capsule. hung out some more then realized, oh shit matt and kim are about to play so i raced to the venue and caught matt and kim's set and it was fucking amazing. I really wish my friends were there to dance with me and i felt lonely. but matt and kim were amazing so i had fun anyway. After the show i told matt and kim that their band meant so much to me and that i dont need to see a psychologist anymore because of their music and they were stoked and gave me a hug, cd, and stickers for free! then we came back and i could barely stay awake driving davids car so we listened to a dance cook comedy cd because it pissed me off so much that i knew it was going to make me stay awake.
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| so, the fest |
[29 Oct 2007|02:57pm] |
got into town and went to the holiday inn and chilled by the pool where tons of punks were swimming and drinking beer. Drank a lost of whiskey and some beer and i ended up laying down on a table on the porch of common ground and people were sitting on either side of me and one of them passed a bowl over my head and i smoked that shit. Fell asleep in a chair and david greens was puking a lot so we left before baroness went on and i tried to fall asleep in the bushes on the way back to davids car but he made me get up.
on saturday i wanted to sleep while david and pedro and miles went to a house show/part and i said i would call them later to meet up. I was passed out in the back of davids car and he thought it would be funny to give a bunch of people i had never met before his keys and told them to drive the passed out kid in the back to the party. i woke up really confused to the car being filled with lots of random people and drove us all to the party. I sumo wrestled with a sleeping bag over my head and it was a tie. Saw sinaloa and off minor, shit was tight. I took a nap and missed ampere because i really didnt want to wake up. was drinking in a parking lot with the same group that woke me up that morning and david, pedro, and miles. almost got arrested then moved to a different spot. almost got aressted in the new parking lot then kept drinking. moved to a construction site next to common grounds and drank a lot more. this asshole dressed as a wizard said he could get me in but then didnt. i remembered that he was the drummer from the band malady and he told me to keep it quiet because he was helping municipal waste and didnt want them to ride his coattails. i reminded him that he didnt have coattails because his band was barely a band for that long and i almost got in a fight with him and municipal waste. some asshole random girl grabbed pizza out of my hands as i was eating it and i yelled at her and almost had to fight her boyfriend.
the rest at another time.
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[19 Sep 2007|02:17am] |
day one
I got drunk while reading bukowski and wandered to AJ's sports bar. fucking christ that was a joke. I played the watcher and saw a carnage that takes a life of fourty years to understand. so many tired faces playing a game of life that takes too long to end. i could see all the failed marriages and the divorce papers floating.
I walked in and smiled at everything. Im glad my life isnt that. the music was going upstairs so i checked it out. the second floor was pulsating to music that i had never heard but knew the sounds growing up. they were all dancing and i was afraid. the entire second floor was moving to the beat and i didnt want my last bits of life to be spent screaming and dying with those fucks and was wondering why noone else was afraid that the entire second floor was literally moving up and down to the beat, it felt like i was at a moon bounce but everyone in it was too stupid to realise that it was on a fifteen foot fall perch to the ground and that if those shitty supports failed we would all be dead. I played the loner card but as i was walking out some dickhead grabbed my half beer and threw it out without even saying anything to me and i argued with a cop about it. he was ok but was too used to assholes and as soon as we spoke he was about to pull out his baton until we talked for a bit and he got distracted by the girls ten years younger than him and i could see that his only joy on that job was talking to these young drunk girls that wandered out of a bar at two am
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[16 Sep 2007|07:13pm] |
it all started wednesday when my mind began unraveling
Pedro and I were both pissed at life and decided to beat the shit out of each other rather than focus on the world. we really beat the hell from each other and i spent the rest of that night drinking whiskey trying to work up the nerve to do something i needed to do. I woke up and realized i had just gotten drunk and passed out instead of accomplishing anything, oh well. It was one of the worst hangovers i have had in a while so i skipped school. Thursday i spent all my money at st mikes and didnt realize it. Friday, i dont remember what happened Friday. Yesterday i watched a movie and drank whiskey and throught of things past. Today haddas and i wanted to puke so we had a puke party and there was too much pressure so we decided to drink a bunch of gin to help us vomit and that wouldnt work so we stuck fingers down throats and puked up only the gin, it really burned. got re drunk and slept at all saints for a bit. now im riding my bike around with a water bottle filled with whiskey and no ambitions about life.
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[18 Aug 2007|08:56pm] |
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today was one of those days where you wish you either had heroine or a gun. last night my car barely made it home because radiator fluid was spitting over my engine. today i found out that my car was fucked and needed a new radiator and that was hopefully all. at 2;25 pm tomorrow im getting on a greyhound bus and heading back to tally see you soon fuckers
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| I havent written much but here goes |
[27 Jul 2007|11:59pm] |
So my time in france has been spent cooped up in the dorms working my ass off for this one class but thats all over. Here is a good excerpt.
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I started walking down the road to where I had seen other dorms and wanted to try and party with some French students. I was walking with my last beer and about the time I finished it I realized that there wasn’t going to be any other dorms. Then I saw this big rectangle that led into the woods. I didn’t even think about it and just knew to walk into it. I walked for about 15 minutes into the woods and didn’t think once about the fact that I was piss drunk walking into a random forest in France at midnight, I just kept walking. On the way I had to jump over a little stream. Once the main path I was on split up into smaller paths I decided that I was as far as my drunk path finding skills would lead me without getting lost, so I stared at the stars then walked back to the dorms. I apparently did a lot last night before I went to sleep although I don’t remember a thing. I wrote this last night but don't remember
There is not much holding me back. But can say that I walked for 30 hours and I realized what is life. For twenty minutes I saw my phan5om fade into nothing and a more a solid means of beaning come around. What can be remembered from the bad ages transgormg
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I dont know how I was able to write that stuff and kind of remember feeling like that but yep, that was a good night. I woke up the next day with huge scrapes on my arms that i didnt remember.
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| i was so close to dying tonight |
[08 Jun 2007|03:32am] |
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So I was a little buzzed driving home down chapel street and when it intersected pensecola i hear a bunch of sirens and the light turned green but I saw all these cop cars headin my way so i wated for them do to do their thing. It turns out they were following this white suv that was tearing ass everywhere speeding out of control. They jetted bye me and then turned around and sped past, hitting something and spraying a bunch of something all over my face. I thought I was about to get hit by a drunk driver eluding the cops. I saw the suv crash into two fences and somehow escape the cops for a while because i followed the procession and there was yet to be an arrest. Point of the story is that I saw a high speed chase wrap around me and was very close to a major collision. You dont care but i do fuckers.
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| i love having no roomates in the house |
[27 May 2007|03:11am] |
you know you have stopped caring when you open your front door, take two steps and just piss wherever.
Holy fucking christ today was amazing and incredibly bad at the same time. Went tubing down bear paw river and all was fine and dandy, you know getting drunk while floating down a river. Then we all ran into this huge redneck party and some of us lingered and wanted to see what was up while most of everyone else kept going. As we realized all the rednecks were just doing lame shit we kept going. I dont know how it happened but andrew and I were the last two at the back of the pack. My tube gained a small leak somewhere and i had to periodically get off of it and reinflate the fucker. My sagging tube on top of me being wastey made me fall behind everyone and feel lost and confused for the last mile of the river. During the last mile i was paddling real hard trying to find a familiar face but i never found one. I was paddling like hell for a long time thinking i would never find the end, when i found it. I tried to get off at the end of the official bear paw end and this dude said i couldnt get off the river there beacuse I hadnt rented one of their stupid tubes so i went off and sweared at him as i was floating by and i saw what i hoped was his son playing by the water so i said fuck as many times as i could in scentences and said I hope you kid learns this shitty language because you wouldnt let me onto your stupid fucking dock. Then about 30 feet past that I found the other exit ramp and finally got on dry land. The friends i met there told me hey, your feet are bleeding and sure enough I had blood gushing down both feet and I was so pissed at my shitty tube that I borrowed a knife and stabbed my fuck shit tube for a little bit until i felt better then i finally made it back to tallahassee which i now realize is my home.
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| fuuuuuck |
[21 May 2007|12:46am] |
at 12:30 this afternoon i rode in my parents car from miami to sarasota. Was driving from sarasota to tallahassee fast as fuck so i could make it to matt and kim show and I saw a cop car that turned its lights on after i drove past it so i got off the interstate real fast in the middle of nowhere and pulled down a bumpy road to turn around. Threw it in reverse and carzor wouldnt move. Got towed 80 miles to tallahassee and went to 4 different transmission places found on the internet that all turned out to be out of business so i have a broke car in front of my house.
12 hours from miami to tally, fuck i hate life.
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| siq dream, its worth the long read |
[16 May 2007|12:30pm] |
so in my dream last night i was taking one course over the summer and had this student teacher. It was a class full of rejects and tough black kids from the ghetto. I tried to make friends by offering my grape donut to everyone and they seemed to love it, only crumbs got everywhere and I noticed this too late and had to clean the room while everyone in class watched and the teacher got pissed. Afterwards the teacher said that I was to be punished and removed from that particular class so I stood up from my chair and said, "fine, see you later" and walked out of class.
The teacher followed me out and brought me to the guidance counselors place and I could have sworn I saw him change shape. I followed my teacher into some weird banquet that was going on and saw chris mattox wearing really thick glasses just hanging out talking to some people and I saw this 'girl', she didnt have a particular face because it kept changing but I knew there was something about her that was latent, but amazing. Finally I got lead to the guidance counselor, but he was all pissy and didnt want to help me until he met me and my classmates came out to support me and told the guidance counselor that it was ok for me to stay. Well I got to stay and that was cool.
My dream took a weird turn and switched to a scene where this family was trying to plant ping pong balls in this area so that they could grow show horses. Well they put down the ping pong balls and all these tiny black seeds. The show horses were to be raised in the zen garden and the regular horses were to be raised in the lumpy sand right next to it. Needless to say, all of these worms and cockroaches and slimy, nasty bugs started eating away at these ping pong balls and making them swell and get all lumpy. The family was stoked that this was happenign because that meant a good crop of horses.
At this point i started to realize that horses aren't hatched, and they damn sure arent hatched from no ping pong balls so the dream switched locations back to my classroom
In my classroom there was still the scene of the slimy bugs writhing everywhere and my classmates were yelling about these two worms fighting. After a while that scene ended and all disappeared.
Next, I had to find my bedroom that I was in earlier, I thought it was the classroom that I was in but it turns out it was the wrong room. Then I remembered that my room was down the hall and the last one on the right. I kept thinking that I had found my room only to notice that there were more turns I had to make. I finally found it and then on trying to find my way back to the classroom to get something I got lost and ended up in a girls bathroom. In the girls bathroom there were two other boys who were running around yelling and making all of the girls scream a little bit and get angry so I had to run with these other dudes and try and find a way out. Well they were ahead of me but I happened to see a really hidden exit sign and this narrow ass passageway that I barely fit through. This lead to an elevator and I pushed the call button and got in.
In the elevator I was in a hurry to go somewhere so I hit all of the buttons near the bottom, but started to move downwards. I was a little confused because I thought I was at the bottom but the elevator kept going down. When it reached this floor I got off and didnt really know what to expect. It was an entire fucking town, with a sky and all, but something was a little off. You know how in bad planet of the apes parodies there are ape themed human stuff like ape soap opears and that shit all with two monkeys on the signs and shit. well this was like a human world except everytime there was supposed to be a humanoid face, it was replaced by a fucking nun with boxing gloves. It didnt make sense until i started walking around and a gang of those boxing nuns started to punch the shit out of me. They werent fucking around and were working me over pretty well when I started to haul ass back to the elevator. Apparently a human in that city was a big to do because all these cars full of boxing nuns started to come after me and I barely made it back to the elevator. The next stop was also a bit weird.
The next place it took me to was just like the last almost exactly. A city with a sky and ground and all that stuff and more normal than the last place, but the faces were stretched into this curved cylinder shape. Then I saw what looked like a human if it were shaped like the letter E and had legs and arms poking out of it. I didnt even want to fuck around this these guys and just hit the top button on the elevator and hoped it was where I needed to go.
Once I got back to my floor I decided I needed to ask the guidance counselor what the fuck was up. I told him that I had gotten into this weird ass elevator and saw some fucked up things and he just sighed and told me that I wasnt supposed to see that and explained how everyone starts off at the very bottom dimension and if they have proven their merit at the end of their dimensional lives, they get upgraded to the next dimension. He explained that I on the other hand had been systematically booted out of all of the dimensions for some stupid incident that wasnt too malicious but caused the entire dimension to hate me. so they just passed me on. The guidance counselor told me that every dimension I had been in I had fallen in love with this one other individual female every time. And every time she had been upgraded for good behavior, I had been passed along because some purpose was needed of me as a human. The counselor said that In order for me exist as the humans I had to revert back to the ball dimensional state of being. And that if i passed that test, I could continue to be a human and I said I was ready.
The next thing I knew I was being dropped from way up high above the top floor building. As I was sailing through the air I realized that I was a ball, a spherical bounching childrens toy about the size of a beach ball, but much bouncier than that. I crashed through the ceiling and hit the ground with a massive impact. The impact was absorbed and created a massive amount of energy inside by ball body and it felt like I was going to burst with hatred and anger and rage and unlease all that immense energy absorbed to do something mean and cruel. But a voice said just relax, its ok, its ok. And I started to relax and my shape started to change, started to become more human like. Then I started to split into two humans, all the while hearing the soothing voice of a female saying, its ok, its ok, calm down, its me. Once I realized I was turning into two people I realized whos'e voice it was. It was the girl I had always fallen in love with no matter what dimension or conciousness I was in. Eventually the face changing girl from the beginning of the dream appeared beneath me and I was myself again and I was more happy than I have ever felt and I finally stopped feeling alone.
Then I woke up.
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[10 May 2007|05:15pm] |
holy shit, the online comic strip i read daily, www.overcompensating.com just posted this comic. someone else knows about the movie Explorers
but yeah if you like it you should read www.overcompensating.com ereday
and www.achewood.com
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